sea of sorrow

Sat, 12 Feb 2005 03:37:37 GMT

so i think im pretty much done with this journal here 4 a bit...cuz i have other things goin on and not much time 2 piddle with this. so yeah.

on that note, my farewell speech -

shit happens.

oh and life's a garden. dig it.

p.s cholie i want my damn shirt!

bye yall

*love

guess who's retarded - thats right, me

Wed, 26 Jan 2005 03:42:47 GMT

OH MY GOD I CANNOT EAT THIS BAGEL FAST ENOUGH!!! holy crap i was starving!!! i had a slice of pizza 4 lunch then cereal when i got home from school so i was like DYING at practice...twas terrible..but now im ok thanks

its kinda scary 2 b so in love with somebody...but i love it too...mark i do not know WHAT i would have done if u hadnt come down there 2nite..thank u baby i really needed u right then...i love u more than anything

so i was reading tessa's journal right and holy crap i cannot BELIEVE how much i agree with her! history, math and chem i HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE...i was sitting in chem 2day and i could not 4 the life of me give a damn. and math?!?!?! PUH-RAISE GAWD!!!(-credited 2 grandma joad) but see not praise god in the good way...more like when sumbody annoys u and ur all like 'jesus h christ!' or mayb yall dont do that..mayb its just me goin 2 hell...anyhow SCHOOL SUCKS!!!

oh and what i dont get is why the seniors r like "aw no we dont wanna go...its gonna b so sad..."...WHY IDIOTS?!?!? bloody hell there is a life outside of chs!! "oh but we wont ever see eachother again wah wah wah" HELLO!!! do u not have a car??? quit ur damn whining! im so jealous of the seniors...why, you might ask? refer to the previous paragraph

not that i dont just LOVE seeing all of u, but no offense, i can do without... :D some of u anyway...and i mean that in the best possible way

i do NOT get 2 see my boyfriend enough at all. i really feel bad 4 this but i hate his job...and i kno its not his fault that he works so much and i kno he would rather b with me but such is life...i just miss him all the time

anyhow im goin 2 bed i think...night yall

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARK!!!!!!

Mon, 24 Jan 2005 04:55:47 GMT

2day is my hunni's 18th birthday...and i love u SO much baby...i hope u had a good day...i kno its gonna b hard with ur new job and everything and i feel kinda weird not talking 2 u right now but i kno that itll all b worth it in the end...i couldnt ask 4 a better boyfriend than u baby...i love everything about u and i would do nething 4 u in this whole world just 2 make u happy. u mean more 2 me than anything else on the planet and i am so in love with u...i hope u had a wonderful birthday baby and i love u always...MUAH

i feel very very alone...like i have nobody 2 talk 2

Thu, 20 Jan 2005 05:52:25 GMT

i only want certain ppl 2 read this...actually nvm i dont kno y im bothering with that statement bc i dont think anybody reads this anymore...i dont really care tho...um anyway

yeah i have nobody 2 talk 2...granted it is 12:33...and yeah i just feel really alone...

i feel really distant from my boyfriend 4 like this whole week...like i have talked 2 him but i still feel like i cant reach him...like if were 2 hug him i wouldnt b able 2 hold onto him bc he always has 2 go and i HATE it...i kno he's busy and i knew it was gonna b like this but i need him a lot more than i think...and it really gets 2 me when i dont get 2 see him everyday..and its just gonna get worse with his new job...then i really wont get 2 see him...he swears i will but realistically i kno i wont...and im really happy 4 him and his new job but there prolly wont b netime 4 me cept sundays...i guess ill just hafta deal with it and quit bein so damn needy...but i cant help it...

i never talk 2 my best friend anymore...i dont feel like she's interested in anything i have 2 say...she says all i talk about is him...which of course i would say isnt true and of course she would say yes it is...i think thats all she hears is when i say sumthin bout him...i dont want 2 argue with her tho...i feel really detached from her 2...

i dunno what my problem is...this week started out bad...i didnt get 2 see him on monday..i knew i wouldnt...then tuesday wasnt very nice...i mean it was but it wasnt...didnt get 2 see him yesterday...behind in like 3 of my classes...i have NO money whatsoever...and i prolly wont work until the summer...just cuz my parents wont let me...im sick of school...sick of swimming...

i need a vacation...like a permanent one...school has come 2 feel like a waste of time...yes i kno why im in there...i just hate it...like seriously i am ready 2 move on...2 what im not 100% sure...but still...

i dunno what my problem is...but i kno i cant sleep...and i have nobody 2 talk 2...so here i am...

i have been so moody 4 like the past 2 weeks...granted i had my period last week but i shouldnt b moody now...like ill get irritated bc EVERYBODY picks at me...even if they r joking...it bothers me..then i get even more annoyed 4 bein bothered...

bitch bitch bitch is all i do so im gonna go do sum more homework...hopefully go 2 sleep

grrr

Fri, 14 Jan 2005 23:10:57 GMT

this week has been pointless. i havent done anything in school...well i have...but not really...i am really just ready 2 b done with school...a perpetual summer would b nice...it might get old after a while yes, but right now it sounds nice.

im irritated bc mark said he was gonna b here like an hour ago and i KNOW its not his fault and now i feel like a jerk bc i stopped typing like mid-sentence (just now) and i was like 'ur taking forever!' (cuz he just called me) and he yelled back at me cuz his truck caught on fire...which is partly why he is taking so long...but everything is ok THANK GOD...and cuz his dad decided 2 wait all day 2 pour the cement until like 2 hours ago...and yeah now i feel like a jerk. MARK I LOVE YOU BABY...and im sorry... :( im a bitch...but we kno this...god i feel really bad now

um 2m at the ass crack of dawn i hafta b at the school 4 the stupid darlington meet...yuck. i hate this meet more than any of the other ones cuz it is so damn long...we prolly wont get back till around 5...yuuuuck....although, the other invitational we go 2 every year (greyhound relays) isnt as bad (as long, yes) but not as bad cuz they races r all relays...which is fun...

mark came 2 my meet tuesday..which was way sweet...thank u hunni...then we went 2 church on wednesday...thats pretty much all i did this week that really counts 4 nething...

anyway...thats bout it i think...hope yall have a nice loong weekend...

*love

p.s. mark i really am sorry and i love u :(

its hot in here

Sun, 09 Jan 2005 05:29:04 GMT

so mark just left....GOD i missed him so much this week! :( i love bein with him...and i looooooved lunch yesterday darling :D thank u 4 that...and thank u again....hahaha anyway

swim meet yesterday...did pretty good i guess...i cut 4 seconds off my 500 time...so yeah i guess that was good....oh man tho the girl next 2 me...HOLY CRAP! she was so fast! i was like on 9 and i looked over and she was already on 13! i was like dude! and after i was like hey u did a really good job and she was like oh yeah this is my first time ever swimming at a high school meet....so THATS WHY...i mean i had a pretty good idea she was a year round swimmer tho...u dont get that good from swimming during the high school season and thats it...so yeah i didnt feel bad by being beat by her...cuz HELLO...if u swim year round, well then yeah...

so then 2day at practice...holy crap it was hard as hell...i had my own lane so i did like a ton of distance...like one of our usual practices...hard practices is around...3500 - 4000 yds...and im like almost positive i did about 5000...

my grades r better...not failing anything anymore! lol im a sped...no my grades would b so much better if i tried (i.e. gave a damn most of the time...)but yeah i dont...so they rnt...

anyway i need 2 go 2 sleep cuz i have church in the morning with my hubby then im spending the day with him... :D

night yall

*love

my days feel incomplete if i dont get 2 see u

Wed, 05 Jan 2005 23:48:33 GMT

so yeah i was really upset the other night...im ok now but the other night was bad...cuz after i got done bein all pissed off mark said sumthin that made me cry bc it was the sweetest thing anybody has ever said 2 me in my whole life and i really mean that - i am so in love with him... i really wanted 2 c u 2nite hunni but its ok, i kno its not ur fault...well get 2 hang out sum other time...i miss u

um i dont really have a lot 2 talk bout at the moment...

i feel like crying...

ill b ok tho...talk 2 yall later

*love

Tue, 04 Jan 2005 03:45:14 GMT

FINE DONT LET ME HELP MYSELF U ASSHOLES!!! YEAH I SCREWED UP OK....FUCKING THREE MONTHS AGO!!!!! LET IT GO!!! I KNO ITS NOT MY CAR!!! WHAT DO U THINK?!?!!? AND HELLO ITS NOT LIKE U BOUGHT ME THE CAR, EVEN THO U SEEM 2 THINK U DID - HELLO I WAS FUCKING PAYING FOR IT!!! U LET ME GET IT!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I HATE U!!!!! NOTHING I DO WILL MAKE U FUCKING HAPPY BC UR SO CONSUMED WITH ME SCREWING UP AND U WONT FUCKING LET IT GO!!! I HATE YOU!!!!!! I CANNOT WAIT 2 LEAVE!!!

I HATE U!!!!

OMFG im SO pissed off!!!! that was directed at my parents btw. if any of u want 2 try 2 see it from their point of view, or try 2 tell me im being childish, fuck u bc i have done nothing but walk on glass and bend over backwards for these fuckheads for the past 3 months and i havent said a damn thing about it, so thanks but no thanks. yeah maybe i did deserve it, but this is long enough. oh AND im not a bad kid. and my grades are BETTER than they were. i clean the house EVERY weekend. i do all this other shit every day, like clean the kitchen and vacuum and all this other stupid shit.

there is other stuff but i am 2 fucking pissed off at the moment 2 say.

one of my favorite things : places that serve breakfast ALL the time :D

Mon, 03 Jan 2005 02:41:14 GMT

my favoritest thing is mark tho

so i spent the ENTIRE day with my darling...only about 12 hours...he was sposed 2 leave around 7:30 (cuz i was with him all day) and he ended up leavin just now (lol 2 hours later) and i swear during that whole time he was in the process of leaving...it took us like 45 min 2 get upstairs...then we ate and sat and talked 2 dad for a lil bit...put coolant in mamas car...then...we sat in his car...talking....*shifty eyes*....teehee...anyway...um...oh btw- YES SIR, YOU ARE WELCOME. ;D (<<thats a winky face) oh yeah so my gramma had gall stones...they figured this out 2day and she was also operaated on 2day...and shes in the ICU now but she will b fine they say... um i would go over my day with my honey bear BUT that would prolly bore/disgust yall...lol SO IM NOT GONNA...lol but just kno, that it was wonderful... :D i obviously feel better 2day tho...just had 2 much time 2 sit at home and think...which es no bueno. im a whole lot better 2day tho... i will see yall all on tuesday... *love!!!

Sun, 02 Jan 2005 00:43:27 GMT

i feel kinda crappy today...woke up 2 my mum screaming at my dad...i could hear her all the way upstairs with my door shut...so yeah i was like...wonderful. so i go downstairs...i was gonna eat sumthin then i forgot...lol...so i didnt eat...

then i cleaned the house...what else is new...u guys can start calling me cindy...as in cinderella...i dont hafta wait on my prince charming tho...seein as how i already got him...

and yeah cuz of my parents i was in a pissed off mood i like flipped out when mark didnt call me before he went 2 work (and no, i dont usually do that cuz i usually just figure he got busy or sumthin...) and so im like omg goin thru all this crap in my head that coulda happened 2 him (cuz he was workin on the roof again) and im like oh jesus he might have fell off the roof and broke his neck...then i flipped out even more cuz he wasnt answering his cell fone cuz he forgot it cuz his dad was rushing him...and yeah it was crap. but everything is fine of course...and yeah im sorry hunni...i love u...and dont b stupid... i have my days...

my gramma is back in the hopsical...shes been sick and so mama took her 2 the hopsical this mornin and they r still down there...so theyve been there 4 what...about 9 hours? yeah...and they decided they r gonna keep gramma over night so they r waiting on a room now..

do u ever get a weird feeling?...like how when u feel like ur waiting 4 the bottom 2 drop out? i always do...cuz it always does...and i wish i wouldnt b like this...but my whole life its been like this...like im happy now and im just waiting 4 it 2 end...how sad is that? i dont kno whats the matter with me but i dont think its my fault bc every time i can ever remember bein happy, sumthin always happened that messed it up...somebody died...or left...i dunno... :/

im kinda worried bout goin back 2 school cuz of the finals i hafta take..it was nice 2 lay out...besides bein sick out of my mind...i dont kno if i remember anything...and i have asked a few ppl bout the reviews 4 certain finals and they r no help at all...so i dunno what ima do...fail prolly...i prolly wont care once i get back in that disguised prison they call a school...

i totally forgot bout the whole resolution thing...i think mine will prolly b 2 lose weight again...even tho its cliche...i need 2...cuz im fat and all...i can just hear mark saying "shut up b4 i smack u in the back of the head"...yeah yeah

back 2 reading....

*love

HAPPAY NEW YEAH!

Sat, 01 Jan 2005 05:50:25 GMT

god there is like this huge zit on my forehead and its one of those kinds that r like not ready 2 b popped...yall kno what im talkin bout...liz and mark were both like 'yeah ow'...but anywho

so fo new years i went out..got my man sum starbizzle's while he was at work bc im a sweetheart like that and cuz he was up like all damn day putting shingles on the roof of nanna's house THEN he had 2 go 2 work THEN he came over here 4 new years...which was nice cuz i got 2 kiss him and all...yeah and b4 he got here i was at lizs chillin and lookin at her parents old annuals...which was really funny...cuz her parents were like AWESOME looking...lol then she came over here...didnt stay till 12 so me and mark took her home then came back here...

so yeah yesterday i like puked my damn guts up..lol then my abs hurt 2day and i could not 4 the life of me figure out why they hurt and then mark was like 'yeah cuz all u did yesterday was throw up...' and i was like haha oh...yeah. and it was the kind of throw up that like makes u sweaty and makes ur eyes look like ur crying and ur nose is running and it feels like there r little men with ropes attached 2 ur stomach and just yanking them in so u throw up harder....yeah lol hows that 4 a description...

ha and i threw up at blockbuster...outside naturally...but yeah i felt SO much better after that...lol

uummmm crap i have so much left 2 read 4 school...im starting 2 give a crap again...grr...

our neighbors r idiots. BUT they have really good fireworks.

i need 2 brush my teeth...

mark thank u 4 last night. i love ur guts baby.... :D

yeah not much left 2 say at the moment...gotta go clean up the damn kitchen again...story of my life is that fucking kitchen........BLAST!!! *shakes fist*

hope yall had a great new year's eve...

*love

"shes got me sayin sugar pie, hunni, darlin, and dear..."

Wed, 29 Dec 2004 02:59:56 GMT

aint that the truth... :D

sup my ppls...haha

u kno it is a good thing there rnt cops sitting around in my neighborhood bc i woulda been pulled over a looooong time ago....

so i went grocery shopping today...that was exciting bc i LOVE grocery shopping 4 sum reason...then i made a HUGE fruit salad and then a HUGE regular salad and then 2 pizzas...so yeah i was feeling a bit domestic...which is kind of a switch 4 me but i enjoy it...

had bahama breeze last night with my man...so good yall hafta have their margherita pizza and their lemon breeze (its a drink) YUMMY...our waiter was "too nice" (said mark) but i thought he was funny...annoying voice...funny tho...k mayb a lil too nice...lol

i love my cuddle monkey :D....lol yeah yall can go throw up lol...

hanny thank u 4 saying that it really means a lot 2 me...i love u hun

woot woot liz is finally moving! i mean, not that i want her 2 move...GOD! shes only moving 2 brick park! shes not goin anywhere yall! but they have been waiting 4 a while 2 sell their house and everything finally worked out so im planning a moving party! WOO i love parties! BRING YOUR TRUCKS!...lol

2day is my mama and daddy's 20 year anniversary...even tho they dont read this (thank god) happy anniversary 2 them...it would b nice 2 b able 2 say that...i hope all of yall can one day, if thats what u want...

ew i watched this movie, a documentary that yall might have heard of called Supersize Me, and i swear i never want 2 eat fast food ever again. if u havent heard of it, u should rent it...its about this guy that eats only mcdonalds 4 30 days, and yeah u may b saying well yeah thats gonna b bad 4 u...U HAVE NO IDEA HOW BAD IT IS FOR YOU!!! eating that had the same effect on his liver as being an alcoholic for 30 days...its pretty much pickled his liver...ITS SO BAD FOR YOU! so yeah yall should def watch it...its really interesting besides all that crap...

also, happy birthday to betty...i love u dearest

anyhow, i think thats all 4 now..b4 i think of more 2 run out the mouth with...

*love

oh the weather outside is frightful...ly cold!

Sat, 25 Dec 2004 22:37:19 GMT

wa-elll, merry christmas guys...

my christmas has been uneventful, bc i have slept like all day, and i have no idea why, but i slept from like 12 or 1 till like 5....and i dunno why...

however, my christmas EVE was ever so wonderful...i spent it with my hunni and thats all yall need 2 kno...hey maybe thats why i slept all 2day...hrm.. :D

i really didnt get much...cuz i really didnt ask for much...the best thing i got is from mark, and i got a starbucks card and $300 from my dad...then sum other stuff...lol

other than that i dont have much 2 say...i keep tryin 2 read grapes of wrath and i swear its not boring, but it puts me 2 sleep! i was reading b4 i took my 5 hour nap today..i was awakened by a few of my friends calling, but of course i dont mind....bc i love you ALL!

sooo yes...thats really it...im at a loss 4 words...(wow abraham lincoln? yeah yeah i kno..) ...yeah yall wouldnt get that so dont worry bout it...but if u did it would b funny....but inside jokes r great... :D

i really do hope yall have a merry christmas and you got everything you wanted...

*love yall

hi guys :D

Wed, 22 Dec 2004 19:50:46 GMT

im such a cheeseball....we kno this tho...but yall cant tell me that the spice girls r not great...i still love them

mark and i r back together....he makes me so happy..but yall kno this....i love him so much

im really ok with my life now...a lot of crap has happened but everyone has been telling me that stuff happens for a reason, and i hafta say, yall were right.

im really excited bout christmas (lol did u get that in my last entry?)...more specifically christmas eve bc...well wouldnt u like 2 kno...:D

im really broke....ill wash cars for money! lol but the stuff i spent my money on was completely worth it..bc it wasnt for me...so yeah

my dearest joe had his wisdom teeth out this morning...i would sympathize except when i had mine out it was great...they gave my hydrocodone and i felt GREAT so yeah joe, u can try 2 play it off like ur miserable, but if i could have my wisdom teeth out again, i would...and my doctor was HOTT....lol i love u hun

practice at 5....luckily its later so ill go...if it was this morning there would have been no way in hell i woulda gone...but yeah since its later its all gravy baby

man i love his guts...

hope yall r havin happy holidays

*love

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mon, 20 Dec 2004 02:34:11 GMT

i am really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really REALLY excited!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

i am REALLY hyper

Fri, 17 Dec 2004 23:25:56 GMT

so for the past *looks at watch* 4 days, ive had the flu. dont kno if yall knew this, but yes, i did have it. never had it b4...now of course...i mean im better now...but oh man the flu SUCKS! and then i kinda passed it on to sum other unfortunate soul by way of...umm...haha "necking"(so say-ith my faja) lol but I FELT BETTER!!! but...uh...pssh we dont do that....*shifty eyes*....HE BROUGHT ME LUNCH YALL! AND THEN HE MASSAGED MY SHOULDERS! GOD! WHAT WOULD YOU DO?!?!? it was so sweet...

uh

anyway

i miss yall...missed the finals too!! HA! but yeah i hafta take em when i get back...dont really care at the moment...

i cleaned like a madwoman today..bc i wasnt allowed to go out..my dad said sumthin bout 'missing school' and 'bein sick for the past week' ....whatever thats about..pssh...but oh my liz u would b so proud of me...i even washed my sheets AND vacuumed! i mean, um...i do that all the time...EW to anybody that doesnt!

i just saw justin timberlake in a huge gingerbread costume doing the running man and i think i might have wet my pants it was so funny...and hes kinda hott....yum...

eggnog is NAS-TAY

im somebody's favorite person...they told me so...i love u darling :D

woot christmas!! oh man im excited...dunno why...cuz im not really getting nething bc me and max r goin shopping after with a bunch of money that we r gonna get on christmas morning...woot shopping!!! i LOVE shopping...but not with max...liz u can go with me...lol we've been thru this b4....so u should just go ahead and go....woo and we're goin shopping sunday!!! YAAAY!!!

i like getting gifts and all but i love it so much more 2 give sumbody a gift and watch their face when they open it (bc i give awesome gifts)...(when i have the money)...but *sigh* its nice...

this song is so fun 2 dance 2! yall should try it...

arighty well mama went 2 the office so i hafta go make dinna fo de boys...

love yall!

my throat hurts really bad...

Tue, 14 Dec 2004 04:17:01 GMT

i might actually hafta go 2 the doctor. mayb thatll make YOU happy now huh? but yeah i think im getting sick...i havent been sick in a long time...not like really sick anyway...

um my body feels like crap but i feel pretty good. my husband and i finally got stuff sorted out for a change...its crazy to love sumbody that much...but i just cant help myself...its like the same thing he tells me...its just sumthin he does to me...and yall can take that in whatever way u want bc either of them would prolly b correct :D

im sorta worried sumthin else is gonna happen between us but i dont kno what could happen that could b worse than the stuff thats already happened...and i love him no matter what he does and he knos this...i just hope its enough..and i dont want to worry bout us...ive kinda just stepped back and let it b and i think its been good...

....i hope we get 2 spend some of the vacation together...we'll think of sumthin...

doesnt seem like there is too much goin on...yall all kno we have finals...at the moment i just dont give a damn bc im sick and i dont feel like bein stressed out...but im sure thatll change once i feel a lil better...GAH

life actually feels ok for a change...sure a bunch of stuff sucks but a bunch of stuff doesnt either...

this past weekend i missed like EVERYBODY...liz, cholie, cora, hanny, tiesha, tommy, kirk, michael, jason, other jason, joe, curtis, andrew, mark (specially u)...god just everybody...i never see yall nemore...but thats what getting into trouble will do 4 u!

i really dont think i have any sense of how tall trees actually are bc me and max went lookin 4 our christmas tree yesterday and i picked out these big ones and max was like no those r 2 big and i was like NO they arnt! so then we picked out this what-i-thought-was-a-smaller tree and it turns out when we got it into the house AFTER cutting it down more, its still like 9 feet tall....and thats kinda big...lol so yeah what can i say? i cant believe that lil fucker was right tho...and i mean that in the best possible way...lol

anyway i need 2 go 2 sleep...night yall

*love

haha yall kno it

Sun, 12 Dec 2004 23:33:58 GMT

Who were you in a past life? by Kat007
Name:
Birthdate:
Favorite Color:
Country:
You were most probably:	Cleopatra
If not then you were:	A sheep farmer named Hans

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Thu, 09 Dec 2004 23:36:16 GMT

Shakespeare: Sonnets. Everyone has heard of you,
and almost everybody can find something
touching in you. You are calm and control
yourself, even though your wisdom and your
messages are no lesser than those of others.

Which literature classic are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

its never hurt like this before...

Wed, 08 Dec 2004 17:41:39 GMT

i cant eat anything...cant focus on school...not even swimming...i cant even sleep. now that its sunk it in it hurts so much more than anything has ever hurt me b4. i dont kno what ive done 2 deserve this continuous treatment...i feel like im being punished for sumthin i didnt do...prolly after this pain subsides i wont feel anything...i hope not. i dont see any point in doing anything. im just so disgusted i cant do anything. its ridiculous i kno, but if had any control over it i would NOT be feeling this way right now...the way ive felt all day. i cant cry anymore bc ive done enough of that. i really dont understand why im being treated like this. and then u couldnt even say nething bout what i said. i just keep thinking the same thing over and over...what u did. and its makes me so sick i want 2 throw up. i cant even throw up anymore bc there isnt nething left. i just dont understand why. i mean i guess i do but i cant believe u did. i havent said anything all day. i dont trust u. i didnt b4 but definitely not now. ive never felt as low as i do now.

Wed, 08 Dec 2004 05:11:30 GMT

well we had a meet 2nite...i sucked. as usual...then after the meet....yeah it was even worse. like u kno how u just get this horrible nauseated feeling in the pit of ur stomach even tho u havent eaten anything wrong or nething like that? yeah i got that 2nite...this is for YOU and you alone, so everyone else, disregard if u havent that slightest idea of what im talkin about. i dont understand u, but i understand u more than anybody else i think. i dont kno why me and u r the way we r, but i think some ppl r just meant 2 have eachother, one way or another, and i guess me and u r like that. im glad u told me but im not glad of what it was. but i promise i wont ever tell anybody. not a soul. in every logical sense, i should hate u 4 it, but i dont...i guess cuz im used 2 bein hurt from u...as sad as that sounds i think its true...i kno ive said this b4, but i love u and i would do anything 4 u. tho u may not deserve it. and we both kno u dont. but thats what love is i guess. and i never really loved anybody b4 i met u...not the same way...and i really dont understand it...but bc of this crazy thing that causes me a lot of pain, i still forgive u. and now ur so much a part of me and my life that i dont kno what id do without u. i have no damn idea why, but i love u.

evenin yall

Mon, 06 Dec 2004 02:52:59 GMT

lol my mood face looks like its drooling or sumthin...

uh yeah....

thursday was the swim meet. i enjoyed myself bc i was very satisfied with my times...so it was fun...got 2 kno bethan a lil better. she is such a sweet girl...and she is a very good swimmer...

looking back on it, last week was horrible. i mean i dont care now but yeah. thats my new attitude toward stuff now...i just dont care anymore bc a lot of it isnt worth it in the end, so why waste my time?

2 weeks of school left b4 xmas break. tis exciting..only i hafta spend 3 weeks with my family...

um i talked 2 michael this afternoon...4 like the first time in...6 months? it was nice...he still has 'feelings' 4 me...which scares the hell outta me but at the same time im like yay...i do care bout that. lol...but yeah i didnt realize how much i missed the guy...

im at a loss 4 what 2 write...it seemed like there was a lot and that i really needed 2 update but now im just like ...eh

ooh i figured out how 2 use my oh-so-awesome mp3 player AND joe told me bout a program 2 dl music off of so i am just rollin in it all..lol

talk 2 yall later

peace

Wed, 01 Dec 2004 19:18:50 GMT

so im in 2nd period now and im disgusted because there is this kid in here and he isnt very smart and these girls did that quarter thing where u write on the edge with lead and then u ask the person to try to roll it down their face. and yeah the kid has lead on his face and he doesnt kno and everybody was laughing at him. its disgusting and nobody will tell him.

then this morning in first period, i was SO tired bc i stayed up late typing my essay and i was talkin 2 people and i could not stay awake 4 anything so i laid my head down. (my first period is AP lit btw) and then after class mrs. whitaker called me over there and was like i was just wondering what makes u think its ok 4 u 2 sleep in class with ur grade like this. i have never slept in there except 4 like one other time ever. so yeah that made me feel like crap because i care what mrs whitaker thinks about me.

so then yesterday i had a good day until right after school i saw sumbody that i didnt want 2 see and it made me angry and then last night me and him were arguing AGAIN and sometimes i want a break from him and sometimes i dont but i kno that is what i need. bc i am starting 2 get over him bc he did lie 2 me about sumthin that should have never been said in the first place but that was also like a wakeup call 2...the harsh reality of it all. it was what i needed 2 make me realize that me and him arent gonna be together. ever. and i wanted it so bad 4 so long but he is so wrong 4 me and i almost hate him because he lied 2 me but i still want 2 talk 2 him sometimes. its really only when i get bored...he was like 'yeah i feel like a piece of shit' and i was like yeah.....u make me feel worse than that. i just think about everything he's done to me and i dunno...i guess i wish it never happened bc i have never cried over anybody as much as i cried over him...and i would feel better if he really loved me or sumthin like that but he didnt. and i let him see me cry. i felt so dumb 4 crying in front of him but i couldnt help it. and then i was like 'i cant do this anymore' meaning i couldnt keep bein friends with him when he treated me like he did and i tried to b understanding of when he took his crap out on me bc it was a normal thing bc i kno that he has a hard life but i never deserved it. and even when i would tell liz about how he was a jerk 2 me and she'd say sumthin i still stood up 4 him bc i kno hes not a bad person. i was always on his side. and then when i was like ok i cant do this anymore, it was like he didnt even care. and yeah i told him 2 leave me alone but he was really goin 2...he wasnt gonna try and get me back or anything. i am sure now that me and him were a mistake...he got mad at me 4 sayin that but we were. if i had never met him then none of this would have ever happened...but despite all of that i still think about whenever we were ok...or whenever it seemed like we were ok...bc it was fun then and i loved talkin 2 him about anything and everything...so that is why i just cant let him go bc i kno a LOT about him and he knos all bout me 2 and even tho, in retrospect it really hasnt been that long but we def have history bc of everything that happened, even tho i wish i didnt. i dont regret it but i coulda saved myself a LOT of pain...so i dunno. and i swear that if we didnt talk 4 a while, he would just forget about me...i kno he would...he says he wouldnt...and like i told him mayb he wouldnt forget but he would remember me as the girl that screwed up his life. btw if ur reading this...i just dont kno what 2 say 2 u right now...i cant pretend everything is ok bc its not. i got offline last night without sayin bye bc i didnt kno what else 2 say...i just need time away from u 2 think about stuff bc i see things more clearly sometimes when im alone. and no i dont hate u. i dont kno what 2 do. but i am definitely moving on with my life...

the bell just rang so ima go 4 now...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

so now im in 6th period and patrick called me earlier which was a very nice surprise. i love that guy. he always makes me feel better bc he makes everything so clear and there is never any problem with him....ever since we were younger.

my stomach hurts really bad....like i feel like i could throw up kind of hurt... anyway the bells bout 2 ring in here so ima go....

*love

stolen from hanny

Mon, 29 Nov 2004 04:05:34 GMT

Basics....
1. What’s your full name? jessica jayne smith
2. Do you have any piercings? yeeees
3. How about any tattoos? not now but i plan on it
4. How tall are you? 5'6 almost exactly
5. What is your shoe size? eh 9-10
6. What is your hair color? john frieda would call it caramel blonde i think :)
7. Do you have any siblings? yeah

What was the last...
8. Movie you rented? sweet home alabama and g.i. jane
9. Movie you bought? umm...van helsing?
10. Song you listened to? nothin on but the radio - gary allen
11. Song you got stuck in your head? see previous question
12. CD you listened to? the beatles - one
13. Person you called? ....liz?
14. Person that called you? cholie
15. TV show you watched? uuummmm....i was watchin the falcons game earlier...
16. Person you thought of? mark :(

Do...
17. You have a boyfriend/girlfriend? ha no.
18. You have a crush on someone? a crush? no.
19. You wish you could live somewhere else? all the damn time
20. You think about suicide? i think about dying but not cuz i killed myself
21. You believe in online dating? sure
22. Others find you attractive? no
23. You want more piercings? um..yes now that i think of it i do
24. You drink? oh ho, does a bear shit in the woods?
25. You do drugs? nay
26. You smoke? not usually
27. You like cleaning? HA-ELL NAH everbody knos that silly
28. You like roller coasters? fa sho
29. You write in cursive or print? my printed letters r usually connected so both i spose
30. You carry a donor card? um my license

FOR OR AGAINST....
31. Using someone? depends on what 4...
32. Suicide? nah id get sum1 else 2 kill me
33. Killing people? ha it should b made legal.
34. Teenage smoking? um, ya kno i should prolly b against most of these...
35. Premarital sex? so for..cuz what if u marry him and he sucks?!?! ef that man ima find out b4 i marry the guy
36. Driving drunk? def against

FAVORITE....
37. Food? hrm...chinese? oh and itallian. YUM..mexican is good 2...
38. Song? oh gosh...nothin on but the radio hasnt gotten old yet and i still love it even tho ive heard it a hundred times...
39. Thing to do? haha prolly messin around and makin out...thats so fun
40. Thing to talk about? hrm...swimming...ooh no cars...def cars
41. Sports? to watch - football to do - swimming
42. Drinks? sweet tea baby
43. Clothes? fave clothes? umm brand old navy i guess...doesnt really make sense...
44. Movies? sweet home alabama..aww the notebook! i love that movie!
45. Holiday? christmas
46. New nerdy saying? do what? (not really new...or nerdy...but i say it all the time)
47. Word? har
48. Nickname? jess, jesser, jolene
49. Guy name? austin at the moment
50. Girl name? cheyenne is really pretty
52. Flower? daisies or white roses

HAVE YOU...
53. Ever cried over a guy? i wish i could say no but oh my goodness yes
54. Ever lied to someone? like i said b4 - does a bear shit in the woods?
55. Ever been lied to? yes.
56. Ever been in a fist fight? yeah and i won 2. stupid bitch
57. Ever been arrested? no although i coulda been a few times...

NUMBER...
58. Of times have you been in love? real love? once
59. Of times you’ve had your heart broken? well if u count the little things he did 2 me, 2 many 2 count...and even if u dont..still a lot
60. Of hearts you’ve broken? um..one? i dunno
61. Of people you consider enemies? remember when i said killing should b legal? yeah. a lot
62. Of times your name has appeared in the newspaper? i dunno more than 10 prolly
63. Of scars on your body? um i dont count them
64. Of things in your past that you regret? there r 2 things i REALLY regret

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...
65. Pretty? no
66. Funny? um not more than anybody else
67. Friendly? i try 2 b
68. Amusing? haa yeah
69. Ugly? not ugly...just...average i guess...well prolly below average...
70. Loveable? am i a dog? prolly not..
71. Pessimistic? sometimes bein realistic comes off like that but no
72. Optimistic? when im not bein realistic yeah, lol
73. Caring? yes
74. Sweet? i try
75. Dorky? mos def homie. lol
76. Spell your first name back wards: acissej
77. The story behind your screen name? oh i dunno its not very original i dont think
78. Where do you live? and my mam and pap's
79. What are 4 words that sum you up? passionate, insightful on occasion, fun loving, and...country?

DESCRIBE YOUR...
80. Wallet? its denim with a pineapple on it
81. Hairbrush? uh i dont usually brush my hair...my hand i guess
82. Toothbrush? crest spinbrush, in green
83. Jewelry worn daily? some sort of silver earrings, my watch from buckle
84. Pillow cover? white with purle and yellow flowers
85. Blanket? purple..my gramma made it
86. Sunglasses? silver...very modern liz would say
87. Shoes? dunno..usually flip flops but i threw out like 20 pairs and got 2 new pairs 2day :) i looove shoes
88. Handbag? um cream colored with brown belt looking strap
89. What you are wearing now? a pink tanktop and my favorite pair of jeans
90. Hair? ponytail
91. Makeup? mascara and carmex is all u need

Miscellaneous:
92. Person you wish you could see right now? honestly...mark
93. Who is next to you? nobody silly
94. Something you're looking forward to in this up coming month? bein out of school
95. Something that you are deathly afraid of? spiders...and not finding sumbody to love me..
96. Do you like candles? shore do
97. Do you like incense? mmhmm
98. Do you believe in love? yes
99. Do you believe in soul mates? yes
100. Do you believe in love at first sight? rarely but maybe yes
101. Do you believe in forgiveness? *sigh* i like revenge more but yes
102. What do you want done with your body when you die? i want them 2 take out my stuff that is still useful and maybe save sum1 else's life
103. What is the latest you've ever stayed up? prolly 4 2 or 3 days
104. Ever been to Belgium? um ive had belgium chocolate
105. Can you eat with chopsticks? yes i can
106. Anyone you miss that you haven't seen in a long time? hrm...it hasnt been a long time but i miss mark even tho he really hurt me and we rnt friends anymore

Fri, 26 Nov 2004 23:35:11 GMT

She couldn't feel anything.

She wasn't meant to.

There were a few people, here an there. They were scattered about the mid-sized room in clumps, talking quietly in their ash-colored suits and dresses.

There was a box in the front of the room. Flowers sprouted up around it, as if the box itself had roots flowing from it so the flowers could suck the life from the it. This garden that sprung from the carpet sat very still in the quiet room.

She tried talking to the few people that were present but they wouldn't respond. After a while she just listened.

"A pity how it happened."

"She was a good girl."

"She was so young."

"The boy didn't die. She loved him so."

"She never knew what hit her."

"The car was completely smashed."

"The train came out of nowhere."

"A pity."

She stopped listening and walked slowly toward the box. The face looked vaguely familiar. It looked like stone...cold and dead with makeup smeared on it to look more normal. Even the eyelashes looked fake. The hair looked odd lying around the expressionless face. The arm closest to her felt like a rock. She wondered again why the face looked so familiar.